Life Challenges, No. 6: Second Wife: Double Wahala, by Toyin Falola
Toyin Falola
When the Road Forgets My Name
My life has come to a crossing,
and every path has eaten its words.
The footprints behind me
refuse that they once belonged to my feet.
I question the morning,
Ṣé èmi náà ni mo ṣì wà?
Must I still carry the name by which I began?
But dawn climbs past me,
its face the color of age-old debt unpaid.
My Orí, where did you hide?
Did you slumber beneath the ìrókò?
Was there a word
forgotten between you and me,
that your blessing might turn its back?
I have bathed before the sun breached,
cracked kola for the ancestors,
and spoken my name into rivers—
yet calamity calls it first. Whisper it softly:
The walls of my home press close.
My children watch my muteness
as if it were cowrie shells
that could yet feed a family.
My lover lays a hand upon my shoulder.
Skin to skin, their warmth maps
a geography I cannot follow,
for grief has turned my flesh
into a nation with closed borders.
Night comes, and the owl proclaims
what sunlight will not say aloud.
Ó ti gbona!
Má lọ!
Má lọ!
There is danger abroad.
Do not go!
But what does departure mean
when heartbreak lives in every house?
There was a time my stride echoed Ṣàngó—
thunder thriving in my lungs,
lightning craving the surge.
Now even my fury grows weary.
My voice was once a talking drum,
but it cracks now
beneath the drummer’s fingers.
Death, they whisper,
Bí ikú ilé ò bá pa ni, ti òde ò lè pa ni.
Unless fate strikes at our hearts,
what befalls us on the road matters less.
But what do we do,
when the fate inside us
knows our secrets by heart?
If anyone hears me,
Òrémi, ancestors: do you remember me?
I am the child who poured libation.
I am the child who knew your names.
Then why do you hide in corners
when my body is given away
like cowrie shells at the mercy of a quivering diviner?
Yet underneath this ruin of a house,
stubborn as blood,
something will not stay buried.
A whisper of drums, somewhere beyond the mountains
covered in despair,
utters slowly:
Bí a bá kú, a ó tún jí.
When we’ve died,
let us be reborn.
So, I pull my name off the ground.
Awkward at first, rearranging letters
drawn apart by circumstance.
Tomorrow, I tie it around my waist
like a garment favored by time,
its threads frayed but holding.
And though the road forgets my name,
I will set out until my steps
remind it who I am again.
Diplomatic expertise in women's matters could look good on those who counsel others who run into complications with their women or other women, but being the one in need of that expertise could be frustrating, draining, and a path to a death sentence. You see, I must be careful in discussing this topic as a life challenge because of those whose faith allows more than one wife in a family and those who, without the justification of faith, desire it or it becomes unavoidable. This piece will not condemn but highlight the complications of romantic relationships with more than one woman, especially for the man.
The idea of polygamy is not strange to the global population. The 2020 UN Population Division report establishes that an estimated 50 million people live in polygamous households. Not less than 28% of married women in Nigeria and 36% of married women in Burkina Faso are in polygamous marriages. It is a global situation, or should we say a status that is not particular to Nigeria or Africa.
Moreover, we must also discuss this from the vantage point of the women involved, the children, and the family, as now 3, not 2, families are joined. There is really no need for statistics to show that having more than one wife in a household lead to conflict and can set a hostile tone for everyone involved. While I have just one woman in my life, I have related to people with more than one to understand the potential complications.
The first question is, how have you gotten here? Understandably, the African culture and even Islam often recognize the situation of marrying more than one woman. In fact, it is only this generation in which men are predominantly monogamous. However, human nature runs counter to the dictates of culture and religion regarding relationships because relationships are personal and territorial. So, by human nature, we are wired to be protective, territorial, and jealous when we do not have the absolute priority in the lives and hearts of those we love.
The desire to have just that one person who no one else will share with us is not just about love or romance; it is born of the human innate attributes of territory and identification. It is not a problem in any way, but it becomes one when a third party or parties are introduced into the dynamics. It then becomes the root source of conflict and the foundation of challenges.
There are different types of second wives: those who became one because culture, religion, and practice permitted, whether the first wife loves this or not. Those who had to be because the man had played an “away game” with them. Those who were married to replace a lost wife and those whose situations had occasioned it.
While the men are often portrayed as the culprits in most of these conversations, well, they are the culprits most of the time, but they are embattled like any other person facing these challenges. If you are the Baba Risi who has a second wife hidden or unhidden, you are the Adamu with many women on your farms in Daura, or Ebuka with two women in your compound, you are much of a victim like the women themselves, though sometimes self-inflicted.
Given the conditions of living in most African communities, you should award a man who marries a second wife and provides for the needs of the two or more wives and their children. It is a financial drain that becomes its own life challenge. The man works, as he has no choice, and distributes the income among his many dependents. It is also another expanded black tax; if he is a responsible man, as he fends for his family, he fends for the families of his wives. Except for a very wealthy man, it is not easy to see a rich, polygamous man, and this affects the family.
While the need to meet all these needs becomes a critical life challenge, the emotional stress becomes another. Many of us grew up in polygamous families, and where we didn’t, our parents must have grown up in a polygamous family too. So, we may relate to the emotional stress that comes with a second wife. You need to be a conflict-resolution expert, which takes a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. Days when you receive report after report from mothers against themselves, mothers against children, or children against themselves. You gradually get to avoid everyone and become lonely during the crowd.
Loneliness becomes a great challenge for a man with a second wife. You might have conversations with either of them, but you most likely cannot have critical conversations with either because of the existing enmity that could have existed. When you get close to one, it is normal that the other will feel left out. The children become closer to their mothers and less within your space, aside from the very young ones. If you are not someone with many friends, you will most likely find yourself on a sofa, listening to your radio, with a bottle of beer, all alone and all to yourself.
When a man and a woman enter a union, the woman often believes that her husband belongs to her and might not anticipate a stranger who will now share her husband's attention. The new wife will also have to endure the hostility of a disappointed first wife or the trouble of maintaining such relationships. So, both wives are also thrown into another version of a life challenge.
As it has often been apparent in many African polygamous homes, the two wives are in constant conflict with each other over those things that belong to them. They are often in competition, and many believe that the other woman can never act in their best interests. Each mother ties their children to their loins, teaching them how to behave around others. You cannot eat what the other wife has cooked, you cannot use their things, and you should not leave your things carelessly so that they would not be enchanted.
The conflict may not take the forms explained above; it could take others. But my point is that the battle continues; it is inherited by the children and passed on to generations. The two wives may never know peace, the husband during the wild pool, and all suffering from the same situation.
Let us talk about the children. Children are the most important members of any family, as the structure affects not only their behaviour but also their attitude to success. A child who has a second mother will most likely not have a father they can privatize. Instead of “Baba Mi,” it becomes “Baba wa.” The father becomes a stranger to them, with no fatherly love to point to aside from fatherly provisions, if any. It paints their minds, their own version of life challenges.
Wait!
How does a man tell his wife he has a second wife? That is another life challenge. Do they still do the Nollywood style of bringing family elders together to say that “your husband has made a huge mistake, but we know we were the ones that did it and you are capable of forgiving?” This challenge is one of the biggest problems for a man, the first wife, and the second wife. This has led to secret second wives that only appear when the man dies or no longer pays attention to them. You will not say you have never heard or seen a woman and her children showing up at the burial of a man before. The stress of maintaining not just a secret relationship but a secret family is much more than anyone would think; it is a life challenge.
You see, this is not to say that there are no happy polygamous families even in Nigeria, or that they all face similar problems like the above narrations; it is to say that, more often than not, having a second wife becomes a life challenge, the first wife rapidly turning into a mad woman, the second becoming a complication to her life and others, and the husband running crazy. The three are no longer managing love but looking for an escape to Aro Mental Hospital.
If you do not have a second wife as you are reading this piece, I pray that you consider all the cons, no matter the challenges you are facing in your current relationship. It is an avoidable life challenge, and you will do just fine alone or in resolving your current challenges with your wife. However, if you have a second wife and all is well, lucky you, but if not, have some sanity for yourself, whether you are the man or any of the women. As a man, do more than be a provider; be there for the two of them and their children. It is stressful, but you have no excuse. A mosquito has landed on your testicles.
It is also important to ensure that your wives are financially independent, save up to help them establish a business if they have no paying job, and be as supportive as possible. When you see the kind of relationship they have, it is better to ensure they do not live under the same roof, for everyone’s sanity. For the women, you must know that you must be strong emotionally and financially. If you cannot cope, no need to hide it; prioritize your sanity and your children. For the men, if you are not cautious, one of the wives may send you to your grave.
