I think we need to hold a truce on this matter and intentionally muse. There is
no reason to make an issue of this magnitude a personal crusade and so we should
be as reasonable as humanly possible, letting wisdom guide us in navigating the
storm. And please, let us forget all theorizing and speculating based on
psychology, cosmetology, theology, and other intellectual "dis, dats, and dose"
that are becoming pervasive in this conversation, and let us take a reality
check at least, just for the moment. The proverbial thief has stolen here, as
the Yoruba people would say at such a time as this, there is no moral
justification for blaming the owner who purportedly left his or her item in an
enticing location. A person has been severely assaulted in this story; should
there be a rational justification for beating up another human-being? Excuse me,
but in my mind this is not a woman problem; it is a human problem and should be
seen as such. A change in our narrative on this matter is on order!
Here is the matter: When anyone raises his or her hand to hit another person and
draws blood in the process, it is known as aggravated assault. In America, even
if you are the sitting president, you WILL go to jail automatically and you
would have yourself to blame for it. It is one situation where you are presumed
guilty until proven innocent. You may be proven innocent if eventually it is
determined you did what you did in say self-defense or your action was
unintentional; but you are initially handcuffed, hauled away in a squad car and
made to spend some time behind bars. It is that serious! Am I missing something?
Why all these emotional pontifications to defend this man, Dr. Wigwe? My
upbringing has taught me that a man who raises his hand to hit his wife (or any
woman for that matter) has lost the inner feeling of modesty, self-respect, and
decorum and no sane person should stand to defend that person except, perhaps,
in the court of law. This is more so in the case of Dr. Wigwe, who I understand
served (or is still serving) as a Nigerian ambassador. My goodness, an
ambassador, by protocol, is addresses as "His Excellency" (H.E.). This is the
same title given to the head of a country. This means this man was the "de facto
president" of the Federal Republic of Nigeria in Kenya. He represented (or is
representing) the entire nation - its cultural, economic, political, and other
social interests. His actions reflect the norms and values of Nigerian people.
If only for that, I would expect something better from him, regardless of the
explanation, and I don't care who is doing the explaining – his colleagues,
admirers, neighbors, passersby, friends, son, daughter or what have you! I
particularly hate the explanation that the wife, Mrs. Wigwe, was a fighter and
husband beater herself even before the couple was married, according to the
husband. Haba, where is the rule of logic here? Why marry a virago if you knew
her as such? And if she beat you up, why not call the police and have her
arrested? Why not ask for a restraining order to prevent her from coming within
certain space of your domicile? Oh, PLEASE!
And my, oh my, this explanation of "it is customary for men to beat women"
should stop. The so called "battered husband syndrome" excuse should stop. They
are demeaning to us Africans and self-serving to their proponents. They should
be seen as aberrations rather than the norm. I am sorry to say, and I thought I
would refrain from personalizing this but I don't know the home individuals grow
up from but I never once saw my own father raise up his hand to hit my mother,
and in case you wonder, I have been married to my wife for 29 years and neither
one of us has ever raised a finger against the other except when we occasionally
give "high fives." Sorry, but my wife is not Mother Theresa, and I am not Dr.
Huxtable of the "Cosby Show" fame either. In my book, however, this is normalcy
and anything to the contrary is eccentricity at its peak.
Honestly, as a husband, father to three girls, an academic, and normal
human-being, it is hard for me to watch and see the barrage of attacks on Mrs.
Wigwe, who, like my wife or any of my daughters, may not be an angel herself, or
to watch an attempt to silence Dr. Maureen Eke, who is trying to be a voice of
reason in this difficult macabre situation. It is even worse for me to see a
fortress of defense being bulwarked around Dr. Wigwe for what I saw as clearly a
shameless expression of macho-militancy and Stone Age masculinity on his part.
If you beat your dog half the extent to which the picture of this woman shows,
you would be arrested. I hope those of us who are men of conscience can stand up
for this woman and let the likes of Dr. Wigwe know that certain things are
acceptable in our book, and as my village people would say, putting a leash on
the chicken is a shame on the chicken farmer. Beating up your wife is a thing of
shame and any explanation in defense of this folly is a shame on the
wife-beating apologists!
Michael O. Afolayan
From the Land of Lincoln
----- Original Message ----
From: "Eke, Maureen Ngozi" <eke1mn@cmich.edu>
To: "usaafricadialogue@googlegroups.com" <usaafricadialogue@googlegroups.com>
Sent: Tue, June 7, 2011 7:24:06 PM
Subject: RE: USA Africa Dialogue Series - Wigwe: Why I beat my wife
Dear "E.S. Etuk, Ph.D" of "AWARD-WINNING Author of 14 books" who can not hold
his tongue, arrogance and partiality either. I did not claim that I was being
objective in my piece. And, my piece simply states that Dr. Wigwe's narrative
cannot be read as "nothing but the truth." Do you really know what objectivity
and self disclosure are? Why not clean up your nose before picking mine!
Yes, men are abused and even killed by women. Men have also been raped by other
men and possibly women. All of these are violations which no one in their right
mind should accept. So, you want to tell me that because a man has been
verbally or psychologicaly battered, he has the right to beat up his wife or
another woman. By the way, one form or level of abuse does not become the
correction for another. I abhor violence of any kind regardless of who
experiencs it.
You are angry and so you have chosen to resort to the very attitude about which
I spoke--name calling and vilification.
Listen to your very own language:
"women who usurp authority at the home and whip their husbands:" Really, so, to
whom does authority belong?
"Women like you" "feminist" What of sort women are we now that we cannot speak
about these abuses, even, if we speak from a specific position? I speak from
the point of view of a woman who has seen so many (African) women abused and
almost killed. Some have lost pregnacies, been damaged psychologically, and
abandoned. Needless to say as you and I agree, the children suffer. The
struggle is all of ours, like it or not. From you view, Mrs Wigwe wronged not
only because she did not go to the inlaws or follow the traditional African way,
but because she exercised some authority by exposing her husband's nakedness in
public. Did the "gentle" Dr. himself not do that also in that long pity me
piece? why not chide him for it?
YES, I AM A FEMINIST and choke on that if you choose! I make no apologies about
this. And, it has nothing to do with the west or modernism. I was a feminsit
before I encountered western feminism and so were/are generations of African
women. Go read the books you claim to know. So, give that idea that western
feminism or western modernism is responsible for our actions or call to be
respected a rest!
Really, I refuse to indulge you. I am truly glad that you are aware that many
Nigerian women have been killed here in the US by their spouses and that we
should be concerned--my point exactly. Do something. Stop standing at the door
to watch it happen only to say why not ask the man why he is killing his wife.
I do not know how to justify blaming the victim of spousal abuse for the abuse.
If a man is angry at his wife or spouse, he does not have the right to beat her
and neither does a woman have the right to beat her spouse either. If a man
turns to another woman, he does not have the right to beat or kill the one he
left. And, shame on you for simply holding women accountable for some men's
infidelity. I am tired of hearing that Eve made Adam eat the apple. Does Adam
have any brains? Enough or wake up!
And, as for you, speak your mind as will I. Not even your vilification has the
power to silence me. I choose to speak or remain silent when I wish.
Thanks.
Maureen N. Eke, Ph.D. (Proud African woman, feminist, scholar, author and of no
book awards)
Dept. of English
AN 240
Central Michigan University
Mt. Pleasant, MI 48859
direct: 989-774-1087
main: 989-774-3117
fax: 989-774-1271
________________________________________
From: usaafricadialogue@googlegroups.com [usaafricadialogue@googlegroups.com] on
behalf of E.S. Etuk [emida1@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 07, 2011 6:47 PM
To: usaafricadialogue@googlegroups.com
Subject: RE: USA Africa Dialogue Series - Wigwe: Why I beat my wife
Dear Dr. Maureen Ngozi Eke,
I will not pretend, as you did, to hold my tongue. Your biased writeup made me
so angry that I have had to engage in this self-disclosure.
Did they not teach you that in writing on any subject, you ought to subdue your
personal and subjective feelings and try to be as objective as you can possibly
be? For many years, I have known some MEN who are abused by their marital
spouses verbally, mentally,psychologically and physically.
My pastor refers to them as women who usurp authority at the home and whip their
husbands. Embarrassed, the men are forced to remain quiet, subdued,
introvertish, and unduly tolerant. Women like you who jump to defend every case
of domestic abuse as originating and perpetrated by the men don't seem to care
that there are men who are suffering and have suffered a lot in silence. Western
modernism is, of course, to blame.
Women never do wrong because we men committed the sin to choose them as our
partners only to find out the mistake we made by marrying them in the first
place. The only mistake which Dr. Wigwe made was to have married that silly,
shameless, termagant, that ranting crazy bastard who had no shame in molesting
anyone publicly because of her incurable jealous spirit. Was she to have been a
self-respecting, sweet, woman, the kind exemplified in the book of Proverbs 31,
we would all be condemning Dr. Wigwe.
What annoys me most is that feminists like you never ask what led to the
battering? You outrightly condemn the men without paying any heed to the years
of incessant abuse by a female batterer. You do not care if the man was so
mistreated that he had a stroke, stress, or high-blood pressure. You find
solace in using your vagina to torture men and expect them not to fight back.
The tragedy is that the children are the poor victims of these dysfunctional
homes and, once the woman is enraged, she cares less what would happen to the
children.
Dr. Eke, you ought to be fair to admit that you did not reside with the Wigwe
family and can never know completely what transpired within the inner chambers
of their home. Mrs. Wigwe, like many so-called modern women, has destroyed her
man, his career, and whatever pride the children would have. She went public
instead of following the African traditional means of conflict resolution. She
did not complain to the parents and family of Dr. Wigwe. She took matters into
her own hands. And, did you care to read the testimony of Junior Wigwe against
her mother?
Have you not read of many Nigerian women murdered here in the United States? Do
you think we men are happy about such tragedies? But, does anyone ever take the
time to ask what led the men to kill their wives. All we here is often the
story from the woman's side. It never occurs to many women that in any case of
infidelity, adultry, prostitution, and cheating, it takes another willing WOMAN
for a man to commit the offense.
I am really offended by the blatant one-sidedness of your writeup and state that
it were better you kept shut as you claimed. Do a research on the MEN WHO HAVE
BEEN ABUSED BY WOMEN since the emergence of Western style of FEMINISM and you
will be shocked at their pains and misery. This is my challenge to YOU!
E.S. Etuk, Ph.D
AWARD-WINNING Author of 14 books.
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