Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Re: USA Africa Dialogue Series - Is Marriage for White People?

Wao!

This one speaks powerfully to me as a father. Go Staples! The Lord be with you!


Adeshina Afolayan
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

From: "La Vonda R. Staples" <lrstaples@gmail.com>
Sender: usaafricadialogue@googlegroups.com
Date: Wed, 21 Nov 2012 22:36:10 -0600
To: <usaafricadialogue@googlegroups.com>
ReplyTo: usaafricadialogue@googlegroups.com
Subject: Re: USA Africa Dialogue Series - Is Marriage for White People?

Dr. Falola,

Thank you for this.  This subject is a recurring theme in my writing.  I feel as if there's some kind of ban on the conversation and "our" people favour stories over statistics and facts.  

I take exception with the statement regarding single parent families doing well with resources.  I recently saw a PBS documentary which stated, factually and without equivocation, that single Black mothers of the highest class (education and economics) experienced more problems during pregnancy than White women of the lowest class.  One of the factors was that the Black mother was more likely to be single and pregnant.  

I believe the show featured a Black woman lawyer and others of the higher-income professional fields.  

I always have to include the personal as I don't hold myself up to anyone's example.  At this point in my life I have a 14 year old child.  I am 46.  We are spending this week preparing ourselves for my re-introduction to a professional, full time career.  No more adjunct work and no more part time commissioned selling.  I am going to join the numbers of mothers who see their child for an hour in the morning and three hours (when possible) in the evening.  I am spending ninety days in training and if all goes well I will be managing a counter (just like managing a small store) in one of the three major luxury retailers common to America (outside of America there are stores such as Harrod's in England).  

My daughter has her mother until Monday.  Making her dinners.  Helping her with her homework.  In general, I order Sarah's life.  More is needed from both of us.  And mind you, this is a child who has never even caught a bus alone and that was the school bus.  Not public transportation.  With my second husband, when I was married, I helped to raise two sons, two step sons, and two grown daughters.  I may have worked full time for about a year ongoing.  It was just not a good financial bet as my ex husband has always held occupations which required at least sixty hours of week work.  If I had been on a career path at that time the boys would have gotten into far more trouble than they actually managed to become entangled.  

I think one of our problems is that "our" men don't want to do the job of husband and provider.  I think one of our problems is that "our" women don't want to be the one who keeps the campfire burning.  I think the biggest problem is that both of these occupations has either not been modeled or castigated in American media.  In example, "just" a house wife or that the man deserves something more than the adoration of his wife and his children.  And sadly, I think that the notion of having a house full of children by different men or a neighborhood of children by different women is no longer a taboo.  

My new job does not require a college degree but I have seen that all of the star performers hold at least one degree.  All of the managers have degrees in marketing, psychology and/or an MBA.  Suffice it to say that I don't think that what I'm doing, starting a "new" career at nearly fifty is something anyone can do.  But what did I get in return for my time? The boys seem to be finding their way (only one is crying to get back into the nest) and I have a child who has earned her way into math and science classes with juniors and seniors.  Sarah Vaughn Staples is a freshman in high school.  Because her father was there and mind you, her father is not Ward Cleaver, but he has let it be known throughout the land that if you have a problem with Sarah you have a problem with him (and our four sons and his step son from a previous marriage).  This is what every girl should have.  There's a way you will and will not treat or speak to Lady Sarah Staples.  That's that.  That's what happens when a girl has the men in her life on her side and her first experience with men is not a bunch of wolves whispering things which only bring shame and derision.  

I said all of that for a reason.  The stereotype of the bitter Black Bee has some truth in it.  How would you react to the world if all you had was on the job training and no daddy or brothers to let you know and others know that you mattered?  

What I am saying may be seen as a nod to patriarchy.  Sometimes I think feminism argues with itself against itself.  There are things, my granma ALWAYS said, that "ain't right but they ain't wrong either."  The more we're willing to accept?  The more we're willing to carry, alone, all by ourselves.  I have never thought a child was the property of one person.  And that brings me to the end of my thoughts and the beginning of yet another question.  Why do we think it's okay?  Why do we think that it's acceptable?  Is it really the experience of close quarters slavery?  Is it really Jim Crow?  Is it really the falling action of Vietnam?  I don't know.  You'll tell me.  

Please wish Sarah and I good luck and bon chance on this new phase of our lives.  We are both a little scared.  New locks have been installed.  Cell phones have been purchased.  And clocks have been synchronized.  At nearly fifty I am beginning my "real" life.  One other thing about Sarah that's a payoff for me?  I have a child who still comes to lay in bed with me, she puts my arms around her.  We lay there, saying nothing, satisfied with the sound of each others' breath.  We have been engaged in these embraces since the moment I brought her home.  I've had chances to leave and I have left her with her with her father to go to the east coast and work.  I was starved for the touch of my child.  I guess I'm a failure because I haven't ever felt that money could make it alright.  

La Vonda R. Staples


On Wed, Nov 21, 2012 at 10:09 PM, Toyin Falola <toyinfalola@austin.utexas.edu> wrote:

Obama Needs a Family Plan

NATIONAL REVIEW ONLINE          www.nationalreview.com           PRINT

President Obama has several stated ambitions for his presidency. He wants it to be "transformative." He wants to unite Americans of all parties. He wants to build an economy from the middle class out (whatever that means), and he wants to help what you might call the domestic refugees of America's economic transformation.

Given the principled disagreements dividing Left and Right in America, it's hard to see how he can accomplish these goals when it comes to conventional economic policy.

But there is one area where Obama could be transformative and bipartisan while helping both the middle class and the poor. He could show some leadership on the state of the black family, and the American family in general.

The thought came to me when a friend pointed me to a column by the Washington Post's Courtland Milloy about how blacks are fleeing baseball at an alarming rate. Today, only 8 percent of the baseball players are black. In 1959, black participation was more than twice as high at 17 percent. In 1975, the high-water mark, the rate was 27 percent.

The reasons for the decline are many and controversial, but one cited by Milloy is that baseball is a game taught by fathers, while basketball and football are more often taught by peers in pickup games.

Gerald Hall Jr., the director of a youth-baseball program in Washington, D.C., told Milloy: "If you did a survey, I believe you'd find that the one thing average and above-average players have in common is a father. Baseball is, at heart, a father-and-son sport. And if you're a kid that has nobody to throw to, nobody to talk to, nobody to discipline you in the way that baseball demands, you're not likely to play the game."

This struck me as more poignant than the usual bleak statistics about the black family. And they are bleak. About 70 percent of black kids are born out of wedlock. The out-of-wedlock birthrate for whites (29 percent) is now higher than what it was for blacks (24 percent) when Daniel Patrick Moynihan issued his (in)famous 1965 report, "The Negro Family: The Case for National Action."

Although it's certainly true that the kids of some single parents can do very well, particularly if those solo parents have the financial or social resources to carry the load (just look at Obama's own childhood), it is also the case that as a generalization, kids from single-parent homes do worse. In other words, it may be better to have one good parent than two bad parents, but it's indisputably better to have two good parents.

Put aside the arguments about traditional "family values." The simple fact is that two parents who wait to have kids will have more time and money to invest in their kids, and the kids will benefit as a result. Single moms with two jobs don't have time to play catch with, or teach the infield-fly rule to, their kids.

The decline of marriage among low- and middle-income Americans is a crisis afflicting all ethnicities. But among prosperous whites, marriage is doing pretty well. And the evidence has steadily mounted that marriage is a big source of that prosperity.

Fewer than one in ten births to college-educated women happen outside of wedlock, according to the group Child Trends, while for women with high-school degrees or less, the number is close to six out of ten.

As Richard Ralph Banks demonstrates in Is Marriage for White People?, the same cannot be said of blacks. Contrary to widespread perceptions, marriage is not all that popular among middle- and upper-class blacks either. Black women, Banks reports, long for traditional family structures, but black men — even college-educated black men — for a variety of complex reasons are more ambivalent about it.

As Moynihan learned, speaking honestly about the state of the black family is politically explosive, even when done with the best of intentions. But if there is one person in America with the moral and political standing to have a transformative and beneficial impact on that conversation, it's Barack Obama, a dedicated father and the most successful black man in American history. Nixon went to China. Maybe Obama can go to black America for something more than votes every four years.

— Jonah Goldberg is editor-at-large of National Review Online and the author of The Tyranny of Clichés. You can write to him by e-mail at JonahsColumn@aol.com, or via Twitter @JonahNRO.

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--
La Vonda R. Staples, Writer
BA Psychology 2005 and MA European History 2009

"If your dreams do not scare you, they are not big enough."
 
Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, This Child Will Be Great; Memoir of a Remarkable Life by Africa's First Woman President.

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