When you think of the frontier don't you think of a wilderness? I think of horses, wild mustangs, and cowboys and injuns. I think of campfires and warm huts, cabins, and maybe even a stone adobe dwelling. I think of rivers, canyons, and waters never touched by woman, child, or man. I think of a frontier with glee since I have won of those warrior spirits that folks like to write about so much these days. I think it's just a re-hash of the child's mind. Like a child I'm constantly inundated with items of fascination and it's so very hard to keep my mind on just one. The Black Frontier is just as daunting but counter to my juvenile fantasies of saddling up my horse and gitting along with them doggies, it's not a place for wildness. Rather, it's quite near a science which requires considerable thought.
If you want to tame a wilderness all you really need is a book of matches. You'll run off the birds which would have eaten the seeds for your crops. You'll push predators back to remote boundaries. And in one flick of the wrist into a patch of grass you'll negate the use of any type of mowing machine. You can't do this in love now can you? Setting a house on fire has only served to get lovers sued and incarcerated. Further, in my ignorant opinion (as opposed to stupid, ignorant is when you don't know at all and stupid is when you know but you don't put that knowledge into positive application), a heart is won in many ways, over many days, and with varying results. We love someone, truly, in multi-level installments. The girl who used to be a booty call can be elevated to wifey status simply because she was the only one who brought you soup when you were sick or visited your mother in the hospital. The maintenance man can be brought into the house, real good and proper, when you see him teaching your son how to throw a football. It never ceases to amaze me what can and cannot change a human heart. All the roses in the world and all the music in ten radios won't have the same impact as a self-less, kind act of abject human compassion. Even the observation of kindness can change the way a friend sees you. One time this man fell in love with me because of the way I treated his handicapped brother. I had to let him down gently by telling him that my own brother is handicapped and I would never, ever mistreat someone in this condition. He argued with me that I had to have a uniquely loving heart and that he wanted to claim it as his own. I asked him if he would feel the same way when he saw how I treated men who were not handicapped and perfectly capable of making their way in this world. I think he's still somewhere considering that question because I haven't spoken to him in 20 years.
Our frontier is populated by women who were raised as soldiers and men who were raised without examples, in the home, of what a man is and is not. We have to face the fact that our men, those under about fifty or so, are the products of everything that was right and wrong in their mothers' lives. We also have to face something that we really don't discuss. It's cogent to the ongoing conversation of the impact of the Strong Single Black Woman and Mother. That this new man has been trained by a very capable professional lady who might not be that mature in her romantic approach or her emotional state. To say the least, most girls dream of the fairytale, it seems our psyches are hardwired for dreams of romance. Without the opposing masculine forces, what happens to the way a man views his approach to love, romance, and marriage?
A Black Man Working and also with a degree has become a king among men. We cater to them. We commit sins for them. We lie, steal and cheat to get them legally by our sides. Why should they marry with such a commotion being made all about them and around them? We set out to show them the difference in us and to try to change their ways. What a waste of time! My granma said, "you cain't make a grown person do nothing. All you can do is be yourself and stan' up and be some kind of zample." Well then, granma, all the way up in Heaven with granddaddy and Jesus by your side, what do you do when the man's example of a woman is his mother? What do you do when the poor mother, for no reason connecting to badness, had to scrape and scratch just to make ends meet? When her tone was not sweet? And when she rarely had time to keep her home spotless let alone to make nightly at the table dinners like you did for your husband (and me)? How do you change someone who really doesn't value what you have to offer? After all, his mother did just fine, didn't she? And let's add the intra-racial Black script to the equation and make him a man who thinks that such middle-class values are "white?"
I think it's getting time for me to leave the conversation and let you talk 'mongst yourselves. I could tell you a story. I used to know this guy who thought rice was supposed to have sugar on it. He also thought it was "white" to eat asparagus. I am from a family which was rooted in agriculture and raising meat crops. There really are very few American based foods I haven't eaten. I am also adventurous in my diet and therefore I really have an aversion to people who rule out foods without at least trying it once. The guy was just a friend of our (I was married then) and so he became a topic of conversation. Nothing more.
Lastly. Many single mothers must run their homes like military operations. What you think of as slightly sloppy might appear to be the height of triflingness to him. I have heard of men who iron sheets and boxer shorts because of the teachings of their mothers. How do you think you're going to change these behaviours let alone live with them? I think these men also are always inspecting their women. Being under the microscope makes me nervous. I make more mistakes. I can't relax. And I also can't imagine a worse fate than being locked in dreadful wedlock to a perfect man. This man who will consistently keep his mother's ghost in your house and will never fail to judge you by her holy standards is not a possession I can bear to keep.
Now, I'm leaving it to you. What do you think? Do you agree that it's a new frontier? Do you see my argument? You're not going to change him because that would be like saying that the only person who ever loved him, his mama, was somehow wrong. You're not going to change him because that would be, in essence, a betrayal of his first (but let's hope not only) love. How do you change someone when your rival presents such a formidable and still-living image? I don't know. You tell me.
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